Jet Li’s Meltdown (AKA High Risk AKA drink in moderation)

Torrevieja is a place in Spain. I know this because I spent a week there in 2013. Apparently.

I can remember part of the flight, I can remember my mate’s wedding, I can remember waking up outside a police station and crying all the way back to the rented accommodation as I’d had a message from my cousin saying my Great Aunt had died (and I was still very, very pissed).

I can also remember the stack of DVDs that was next to the modest TV in our temporary living room. The first Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings film, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and a fucking HORRIBLE “Torture Porn” starring an elephantine Michael Madsen.

One film stood out. Meltdown. It had Jet Li on the front cover and nothing else. That was enough for me.

The blokes I was in Spain with were out climbing rocks or diving or something, not the life for me.  I put on my plimsolls, trotted down to the local shop and bought two crates of lager. Continue reading

Fright Night: You’re not cool at all, Brewster

Sometimes, actually oftentimes, things don’t have to be good to be good. We know this. Hell, a few weeks back you had to read 2000 words on why I like Demolition Man more than most modern cinema. I feel like you’re all with me on this, whether you keep your guilty pleasures on an external hard drive, or write about them for the amusement of internet strangers. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how shonky it is, what colour the fake blood is, the jarring dialogue, the crap soundtrack, or how many times you’ve watched it. Sometimes it’s a time and a place that makes a fucking terrible film your cinematic comfort blanket.

With that in mind, and with Halloween just around the corner – WELCOME TO FRIGHT NIGHT.

Continue reading

Street Fighter: Too Many Man, and Mike.

In 1994, I had no time for you. My whole life revolved solely around Point Horror novels and our Sega Megadrive. Had they only found some way to combine the two, there’s no guarantee I’d even be talking to you now, more likely living in a cave plastered with the pages of Call Waiting and The Lifeguard whilst engrossed in some 12 bit pixelated teenage murder mystery. To be clear; that is still something I’d be interested in if anyone has the capabilities. Teenage me has A LOT of ideas. Anyway, the Megadrive.

Continue reading

Anaconda: I don’t want none unless…actually I just don’t want none.

1997 was the year of sequels. Speed 2, Jurassic Park The Lost World, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (don’t worry, I will eventually get to that one for you), Alien Resurrection, Batman and Robin. As we know, all these films were shite. Sure, we got Con Air, we got Face/Off, The Fifth Element, Spawn (shuuuut up), and Starship Troopers. But there were no creepy crawlies worth mentioning whatsoever. Somehow, at the end of my 13th year, I had gotten a touch bored of watching people shoot each other, and I needed something else. I needed monsters. I needed blood and guts and inhuman terror. I also needed Ice Cube (I always need Ice Cube), and when we made our regular Friday night trip to the video shop, both of those things were staring back at me from the top row of the horror section.

Now, we told you this is an action movie blog, about action movies. We’re only two weeks in, and I’m going off on a tangent. But you know what? I’m not ignoring monsters, because when you ignore the monsters, you also ignore the opportunity to revisit 90s CGI and tear it to fucking shreds, and I don’t think you want me to do that, do you? I think you need to know precisely every awful thing about this film that a revisit in 2017 makes painfully obvious, don’t you? Of course you do – it’s JLo and Ice Cube and Jon Voight and a massive rubber snake. And you do now anyway because I watched it and I refuse to suffer alone. Continue reading

Samurai Cop + Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance

 

Any film that starts with Bob Z’dar with a beard and ponytail stabbing someone was always going to be a belter.

Samurai Cop is one of those films, alongside Miami Connection and Deadly Prey, that basically personifies the term “Cult Classic”.  Rarely seen outside of VHS rental shops until the late 00s as avid fans digitised them and put them on torrent sites before receiving legitimate BluRay releases  by whoever was lucky enough to own the rights. Finally the world can see Matt Hannon’s luxurious hair in High Def as the good Lord intended.
Continue reading

Demolition Man: Simon Phoenix, A Love Story

I was never legally old enough to watch pretty much any of the films that I’ll end up talking about at the time I first watched them, but I’m certain I’m not alone in that. Watching from behind newspapers and through banisters after we were supposed to be in bed was the business in the Francois household. “No I’m not looking, Mum. No I haven’t ripped holes in this magazine, Mum.” Exposure to horror, action, and any combination of the two was drunk hungrily down into our emotional lexicon pretty early on, which is probably why my brother and I spent the first 18 years of our lives trying to murder each other with household appliances and wondering why it hurt our own hand and didn’t make a cool noise when we punched each other in the mouth.
Continue reading

Doing The Resurrection Shuffle……

Hello darling, it’s been a while hasn’t it? You look nice though. New hair and…have you been working out? Thought so. Look, I know what you’re thinking, here he is cap in hand, crawling back to us from his latest failure. A man who thought himself bigger, better, brighter than the humble blog that spawned him. I know how you people think. You can smell the guilt oscillating off me in great stinking waves. So here’s my confession. Continue reading

Art. Attitude. Anarchy. Future Shock – The story of 2000AD

future-shock-graphicjpg-60a2aaAlmost everything I’m obsessed with, inspired by or simply think is ‘rad’ can be traced back to my exposure to an unholy trinity of influences at key developmental stages of my childhood. Star Wars at five years old, Fighting Fantasy at seven years old and 2000AD at eight years old.

Whilst I’ve discussed the influence of Fighting Fantasy and Star Wars at length elsewhere on this blog, the acid damage 2000AD wrought upon my delinquent brain has yet to be fully explored. Trust me though it’s coming. Once again the blame can be placed squarely at the feet of my sainted Grandmother who every Friday would turn up at our house with the TV & Radio Times for my parents, The Storyteller tape/magazine for my little sister and Transformers and Whizzer & Chips for me. Things were going swimmingly until one Friday she arrived later than usual. For whatever reason she had been delayed. ‘I am sorry Nathan, but the man at the newsagent didn’t have any Transformers left…’ She delivered this dreadful news whilst rummaging in her bag and upon seeing my forlorn mug peering back at her she added cheerily ‘Don’t worry though love, I got you something else….it’s got big robots in it’. She stuffed a magazine called 2000AD into my eager grasp and lo the  stars aligned, doom bells tolled and the sun went black as sackcloth. The robots in question were of course the ABC Warriors. Occult obsessed, chaos worshipping, human murdering, cross-dressing war droids who kicked about with a cloven hoofed alien warlock. So that was me pretty much fucked. Continue reading

Binary Sunrise – Star Wars & Me

Image-0-Header-1536x864-863587051769

My memories of my early childhood are hazy. Things half remembered or best forgotten, ‘splinters of the minds eye’ if you will. I recall one thing with crystal clarity though.The first time I saw Star Wars. I was only a year old when A New Hope was originally released in 1977. It wasn’t until ITV premiered it on national television on October 24th 1982 that a six year old Nathan Bean was first transported to the galaxy far far away…. Continue reading

Marked For Justice: CYBORG retroview

cyborg_poster_01_van_damme_looking_for_high_desktop_1896x2950_hd-wallpaper-751245As part of an ongoing but irregular series of retro reviews that we have dubbed Marked For Justice, a group of us decided it might be fun to get together virtually and watch a movie simultaneously. Our selections have to be drawn from the genre’s of Fantasy, Sci-Fi (or Horror containing either of those two elements) ultimately something relatable to the direction of this here blog. I prepared a shortlist of the first films that popped into my head which happened to be Johnny Mnemonic, At The Mouth Of Madness, Lord Of Illusions and Cyborg which turned out to be the peoples choice. I  was surprised to learn that despite the demographic of the group (men in their 30’s) most of them had not seen Cyborg before.  Anyway thanks to Duggan, Pete, Clarke, Sketch, Dieter and Kev for agreeing to join me as I revisited this maligned genre treat and a shout out to Brinton for being the only other guy to pipe up in defence of Cyborg . What has all this got to do with Corehammer’s mission I hear you cry? Well, everything really…
Continue reading