Friday The 13th Part VIII – Mama, Just Killed A Man

I’ll be honest with you – I wasn’t supposed to watch this film this week. In honour of the glorious Hallmark festival where you all get given a heart shaped pizza or whatever and I get a nice text off my mum, I was going to watch My Bloody Valentine, cos I saw it when I was small by accident and threw a teddy with a heart on it away after because it stressed me out. What I ACTUALLY wanted to watch was Valentine, the wanky teen slasher starring Angel off Buffy as a handsome lunatic, stalking girls who made fun of his thick specs at school, but it came out in 2001, and that puts it largely outside of our calendar catchment area. I’ll obviously still watch that when I’m done here.

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Nobody carries the dogboy! – Salute Of The Jugger

1989 was a real kicker of a year. I was 13 years old. My brain was already a bubbling toxic soup from prolonged exposure to lethal amounts of 2000AD and undiluted Kia Ora. I was peaking hard and gobbling up everything I could get my greedy claws on to feed my developing appetites in twisted fiction, dystopian sci-fi and martial arts movies. At the cinema we finally got a ‘dark” Batman courtesy of Tim Burton and my cinematic comfort blanket The Burbs was released into the world.

What was I listening to? Guns & Roses ‘Appetite For Destruction’ exclusively. I hadn’t traded in the Grifter for a mountain bike yet either. Life was pretty good.

A little googling revealed that cinematic trend for B-Movies in ’89 was underwater alien horror. Sophie already dismantled The Abyss a couple of weeks ago much to Boardy’s chagrin, but there were at least four other ‘Aliens living at the bottom of the sea’  films doing the rounds. Leviathan, Lords Of The Deep and Deep Star Six. That’s all well and good but I’m from Margate mate, I saw horror on the regular down that sea front in the 80’s and didn’t care to revisit it in the cinema. That and I’m terrified of deep water. No friends, my attention was drawn to the other end of the environmental misery spectrum. The dusty plains of the post apocalyptic future…..

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Freyja’s Wrath – Interview With Bad Squiddo

Bad Squiddo Games, not content to rest with its already heaving catalogue of practically attired female ass kickers, has launched a new Kickstarter – Freyja’s Wrath. Complete with Shieldmaidens, axe wielding warrior women, and Goddess Hel herself.

You want to know more about that? Of course you do. I had a chat with Annie, head mistress of Bad Squiddo, about her mission, motivation, and of course – her maidens. Enjoy.

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Marked For Justice Vs Fan Films

We live in an age where a geeks life is a many splendored thing. Gone are the days of scrounging around at stale old comic marts, tracking down grainy third generation dubs of the Roger Corman Fantastic Four movie or the Star Wars Holiday Special. At the touch of a button the modern dork can access out of print games, underground music, cult movies and become an expert on their chosen field of interest in minutes. But it wasn’t always like that. No mate. I’ve said it before and I will definitely say it again but being about that nerd life before the internet was some fucking toil man. If you wanted something niche…..you had to put in the leg work.

These days fandom is accessible to all. Comic book movies dominate the multiplexes. TV shows that draw upon the established lore of once reviled cult authors are now smash hits. We are quite literally spoilt for choice. I am not ashamed to admit that there’s a big part of me that is incensed by all this acceptance. What changed? Where was all this enthusiasm and tolerance when I was getting the pipe knocked out of me because I’d rather read an X-Men comic than play football? You people are all posers. I bled for this shit. Actual blood, not fake blood from the joke shop or corn syrup or whatever you cosplay people use. Fuckers.

Anyway look, right back at the dawn of the internet, before Marvel got their shit together and turned the superhero movie into a certified money spinner, that genre was absolutely in the bin. Yeah yeah we may well be past saturation point with superhero movies these days but until you’ve suffered through the Albert Pyun Captain America or endured The Hoff as Nick Fury, and don’t even get me started on the guy from Streethawk playing Daredevil in the Trial Of The Incredible Hulk… spare me your issues with superhero cinema you mewling babies. You don’t know pain.

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The Abyss – James and The Giant Nah Cheers

Hi, hello, happy new year! We made it. Nothing exploded or melted at midnight on the 31st (unfortunately?), and we’re seemingly all here for another year of Tr*mp, vaping, beard oil, and all manner of other horror that makes it difficult for me to look at the internet in the morning. On the bright side, the Emoji Movie came out last year, so that’s at least one thing we don’t need to fear. Hopefully you used your time wisely over the festive season. By wisely I mean that you used it to consume meats, cheeses, any fake version of the aforementioned, and enjoyed repeated viewings of Die Hard, as well as ITV showings of teen movies such as the Maze Runner series, facsimile Shrek Kung Fu Panda, twee garbage The Princess Diaries, and Battleship. Despite what you’ve come to know of me, I don’t enjoy any of those things, but I definitely sat and watched them, and a load more cinematic compost, with a baked Camembert, some part baked rolls, and a posh pear M&S chutney. In fact I enjoyed Battleship so little I’m almost sad it’s out of our time frame for a review. The film was 2 and a half hours long and seemed to involve mostly the plot from Independence Day, but written by teenage drama students and located on a boat. Also Rihanna wearing a Hoods tshirt – the hardcore scandal everyone forgot because no one listens to Hoods really anymore, not even in the gym. All this is just proof of what you can get me to shut up and sit through if you offer me a nice cheese. Anyway.

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Hellbound and Down: A Hellraiser Fan Responds to the Hellraiser: Judgement Trailer

Today it is my pleasure to present a special guest post from my buddy Brendan Carrion. He’s one of the blokes behind the excellent Full Metal RPG podcast and my go to guy when it comes to the world of roleplaying games. Brendan posted an abridged version of this rant about Hellraiser on his Facebook page and I thought it to be so eloquent and informed whilst still remaining visceral and pissed off that I begged him to let me to share it here. Brendan graciously agreed so please enjoy this dose of his scorn then go check out the mighty Full Metal RPG podcast.

The Road to Hell

So the other night I get home from work and my girlfriend is sitting on the couch and she’s really anxious to show me a trailer on YouTube for the new direct to DVD Hellraiser sequel called Hellraiser: Judgement. She plays it for me, sitting there, watching my face, and when it’s over she says,

“So. What do you think?”

I think she was expecting me to fall off the couch and start rolling around on the the floor, my mouth all afroth, as I cursed the heavens for inflicting on us another goddamn subpar Hellraiser sequel that no one was asking for. I think she was expecting me to start pacing around  the apartment, flailing my hands over my head and shrieking about continuity in a high-pitched voice.

I’m a nerd about this type of shit and this is what we do.

But neither of these things happened. It was just another trailer that shows us too much of another crummy movie. It wasn’t an assault on my personal past as a human being or a cultural hate crime against the beloved legacy of a finely crafted story woven over generations.

So despite the fact that I have: A.)  the movie poster to the first Hellraiser film hanging in my living room. B.) Beloved pictures of me mugging with Doug Bradley and Ashley Lawrence at Monsterpalooza in 2014. C.) The poster for Hellraiser: Bloodline tattooed to my flesh, my reaction to the trailer was pretty blase.

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New Year/ Same old shit it’s the January Mosh Round Up

Look, I don’t normally place much faith in statistics but according to the data analysis thing in the back end of WordPress, these hardcore round ups have become quite popular. I can only assume that the extreme music world has finally recognised my immense talent for discovering good bands and writing hilarious words about them for you, the little people. To capitalise upon that interest we’ll be shifting the monthly round ups to a bi-weekly schedule for as long as I can be arsed to write them. I tend to pick and choose stuff that I personally enjoy for publication here. If you want to read the mean reviews I suggest you head on over to my author feed at Apathy & Exhaustion

Ok to business, lets take a look at Hangman  from Long Island. Hadn’t checked out these guys before but they played some shows with Higher Power on their recent US tour and I heard good things so let’s give them a go. Vile Decree is the name of this new 7″ on Flatspot Records.  Hangman set out their stall on opening track Pesticide, mid paced chugging malevolence. There’s groove and scorn in abundance and when the mid paced break in Coming To shows up I challenge all of you not to screwface and bob your head like you’re mean mugging in a Biohazard video or some shit. Set a rubbish bin on fire, wear shades indoors, take a mean dog for a walk etc.

Abandoned crunches into view and for some reason I’m reminded of the Full Contact songs from the NY Hardest comp even though I havent thought about that record in fifteen years. Brian from Long Island miseries Neglect drops a guestie on this cut and his tombstone drawl provides a dynamic contrast to the Hangman vocalists cleaner style. Overall a pleasing listen, recommended for fans of mid nineties New York hardcore and urban fonts. You can listen to them HERE Continue reading

Playmats.eu – We are the new breed (Of battle mats)

Solid roundabout skills. Jar of Mellow Birds just out of shot.

Battle mats, basically a grown up version of the old road/town carpet mat I was told to play on, during my first day of infant school. No idea why I remember that so clearly but there you go. I don’t even like cars. Anyway, they’re patterned to look like some sort of terrain of your choice, lava, steppes, snow, jungle, you get the idea, and roll up nice and neatly. None of that eternal “how do you store a realm of battle” rubbish. They’re usually made out of any one of a myriad of different  polymer compounds to provide a flat colourful surface for you to play wargames on. Pretty much all the same eh?

Well not quite, I’ve had the pleasure of reviewing the full set of mats from playmats.eu and they’re a cut above the rest. Read on to find out why.

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Drifts Get Deeper- December Mosh round up

The sky has taken on a bleaker quality than usual, the first proper snows of the season have arrived and that showy wanker round the corner has got his big Christmas lights up. Winter has finally come upon us. As I sit here during the seasonal perineum that squats between Christmas and New years I took the opportunity to stick on my wellies and wade through the tide of absolute shit that laps at my door 24/7 aka this months massive pile of demos and EP’s. Here’s three things I thought were good.. Continue reading

80s and 90s Cartoons: The Bad Babysitter

Ahhh, cartoons. The nostalgic comfort blanket, the technicolor dreamweaver, the idiot box babysitter. I wanted to say “I miss good cartoons”, but I don’t, because I watch them all the time. I watch Transformers, I watch Thundercats, I watch Doug, and sometimes I watch Recess, although I was already too old to watch that when it came out and don’t really know why I enjoy it so much, so that doesn’t need discussing here to be honest. What I’m saying is that, in 2017, as a grown up lady, I not only care very little about what people might think of me spending my Saturday mornings watching old cartoons, but that everything I ever want is right at my fingertips.

As youngbloods likely of the 70s, 80s, and 90s, I imagine you’re more than happy to stand behind me as I turn my grizzled grey mug up to the sky, and shake my fist yelling about how “KIDS TODAY DON’T KNOW THEY’RE BORN”. At last count, there are about 300 cartoon channels available to today’s youth. Nickleodeon, 6 different incantations of Cartoon Network, Disney, endless dreck available immediately on Netflix, Amazon Video, Apple TV. You couldn’t get through it all if you paused the clock for 6 months and never slept. It’s insane. Naked bears, pokemons, yu-gi-ohs, CGI chipmunks, nu-school Manga looking My Little Pony. I could go on, but I won’t.

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