Heading to Games Workshop today lads? If the thought has even crossed your mind, then the chances are you fucking stink. I know it’s just after mid-day and you’re probably only on your fourth can of Mountain Dew, but trust me lad, the grease on that neckbeard is gonna be getting funky in about two hours time.
Don’t worry though. The Corehammer Crew are strong advocates of the Functional Gamer lifestyle. You can roll some dice AND smell like a normal human being, and here’s how.
Daunting I know. But hang in there boys. We’re gonna make it.
The first thing you need to do is head over to Boots and get yourself some B.O spray. There are a number of options available. If you want to simultaneously smell like the school bully on PE day AND make a witty Partridge reference, then get yourself some Lynx Java. You won’t get the effect you do on the adverts unless you get yourself some Clearasil as well, but that will cut right in to your Tesco Doughnut budget. Let’s start slow eh? I advise getting some Dove. It’s made with one quarter moisturising cream y’know. It’s usually on offer and the black label one smells fresh.
We’re entering unknown territory here. So I’m gonna help you boys out. I know you’ve never unscrewed a deodorant bottle before, but trust me mate it’s easy. These companies like to come up with new and inventive ways to fuck with you and stop you from smelling like a human being, but if you persevere, you might get to lose your virginity one day. The top needs to be twisted to opened. Here are some images of the nozzle in the closed, and open position:
Much like your primer, the deoderant sprays through the nozzle, and on to your arm pit. The benefits of this are that it will stop that god awful stench in your local shop, which might be normal to you, but is certainly not the standard for the lads working that day. They’re here to help you out boys, they deserve more than the fucking god awful Nurgle’s Rot you bring in with you every day. To apply, (I advise applying directly to your bare arm pit, which I refrained from picturing for the purposes of decency,) all you need do is hold the can a few inches from your arm pit, and spray. I strongly recommend this step AFTER showering (which we’ll cover next Sunday).
The Functional Gamer concept can be adopted by Wargamers of any age, gender, or aroma. We CAN get there guys. This isn’t 1993 any more. Your local hobby shop does not need to smell like BO, plastic glue and case lining anymore. Together we can destroy the image you have so carefully cultivated.