I used to enjoy going to the cinemas but now I feel the sense of joy I had as a child ebbing away, and feel it slowly replaced by feelings of anxiety, confusion, stress & of course my old friend – hatred. After going to see the final Hobbit movie tonight, and coming out feeling like I could set fire to my own face, and then the cinema, I thought I’d write down some basic rules to help people not act like a tit when you’re at the flicks.

Look at this model, ruining everyones fake cinema experience.

1.  As soon as you’re through the double doors into the screen then you should begin finishing all external communications via your mobile phone as you will shortly need to turn it off and/or destroy it. That’s an easy one. I don’t care if it’s adverts, trailers or the actual movie – no one wants your Instagram feed shining like some shit beacon from the darkness and burning out their retinas. I am yet to see someone use a phone during the movie itself, even in this human cesspool of stupidity we call earth, it seems that most people can still restrain themselves on some levels.

2. In regards to snacks, everyone likes to eat at the cinema, and that’s fine, but a great idea is to prepare the food before the film starts, rather than waiting until the tipping point in the films arc before you start making a fucking ham sandwich. I can’t think of anything worse than the slow unravelling of a crisp packet from three rows back clawing at my sanity. Also, I will provide some types of food that are not acceptable to eat at the cinema – curry, fish products, protein shakes, hot fried chicken. The cinema is not a fucking Nando’s mate.

3. Don’t talk to anyone, ever, it doesn’t matter if it’s a medical emergency (child birth, heart attack etc) or if you’re about to tell your significant other that you no longer love them – DO NOT TALK. If anything whispering is even worse, at least if someone is talking then I know what the deal is or I might at least hear something interesting but with someone whispering I feel like the sound is gnawing away at the edge of my conscience and slowly sending me insane. Also, don’t ask me what’s going to happen next in the movie – I haven’t seen it either …

4. Stick to your booked seats – if you’ve been allocated seat F12 then simply go locate the seat using the corresponding symbols (letters and numbers in layman’s terms), pull the seat down, sit down and then follow the previous 3 rules. Don’t go sit in someone else’s seat, you wouldn’t break into someone else’s fucking hotel room, and do a shit in their bathroom. Actually, maybe you’re exactly the kind of person who would, and that’s why you need to heed the above advice.

So, those are my core rules for having a great time at the cinema. I feel that writing this article has been a cathartic experience for me, and I can’t wait to build my own 12 screen home cinema underground.